I bought a new journal ^_^ The old one was yucky. It had stupid stuff in it, and it didn't feel right to write in. This one is much better.

I feel very restless.. Frustrated I suppose. I love the people around me, but hate the setting we're in. School is just crushing me. So so much work and I'm just too preoccupied with thinking and being solemn and teen-angsty to concentrate on it.

I need tea.

I've decided to start a teacup collection. It will be very pretty. And I will use all of them. Some of them will be favourites and comforting, and others will be special etc.

"It's alright if you act like a turd, because I like birds... If you're small and on a search, I've got a feeder for you to perch on."

I want to buy the pink-y red-y bohemian patchwork quilt thing I saw... I want to put it on a bed with lots of pillows and a bedside table covered in candles and incense ash. I want to have a little kitten to curl up on it, later a cat.

I want to move, start my own life so to speak. There's been (whispered) talk of moving and buying a little car and a kitten and mixing possessions in bathrooms. I like the bathrooms bit. I love my family and stuff, but I feel like I need to do my own thing. I think if I wanted to move out on my own, into a group house with strangers or something my friends might not think I was so crazy, but where's the fun in that? It's just a plan anyway, not until July. Who knows how things will go. But now that it's in my head, it's all I can think about, and everything I'm doing now pales in comparison.

"Harness your hopes to the folks
with the liquor with the ropes,
Red, red ropes, periscopes
They've got everything will ever need
stored under the chair"

I seriously need some tea.

I think I may go for a walk when family returns from sister's futsal, to Coles in search of tea.

I have a feeling tonight may not contain much sleep. I'm about halfway through one of my English texts, so I plan to finish that and try to get a first draft done for the essay. Tomorrow night I'll do it for my other English. Then there's media oral, English orals, psych essay, media film and studio assignment... Maybe this whole week won't contain much sleep?

It's so hard to do all that when I'm so inspired to sit up for hours on the back steps drinking tea, writing and looking at the sky.

"If you got a castle, well you know I got the moat"

Hmm.

10 minutes until I have to leave for school!

But I must document my happy mood!

*I'm* not pished on goon, but the pishedness of Lani, Chris and Luci last night has made me oh-so cheerful ^____^

I have blue-er hair, and a cool ribbon-watch-band and school will be so good today I'm sure ^_^

I get to make an egg!

<3

School goes back on Tuesday. Pretty spooky stuff.

Someone said to me the other night that they knew this Summer would be big. It certainly has been. Sadness in abundance, but it made everyone think about things.

I've had so many D&M moments of clarity with people I care for. A little spot in a silence in a conversation where you get that this-is-right,-this-is-human feeling... It makes me wish I had more lives to live. I'm so so happy, but I wish I could be there for everyone in every way they need, but I don't have that much of me to go around, I can only do so much while guarding the relationships I'm so happy with. If that makes any sense.

We've fallen into such a comfortable niche this Summer. Essen/Civic and Dickson and Javo's couch and star watching. I doubt it's ever been so hard to go back to school as it will be now. I wonder how we ever had enough time to be good friends when we had normal responsibilities.

So, I quit slash got fired from my job… I’m thinking this is a good thing. It’ll be even better once I get out of Secretary-Mode. I’ve applied at Target (pronounced Tar-zhei darlings) which would be kind of cool, though Tara and the guys from her work who I met last night are like “OMG COME WORK AT CAFÉ PRONTO WITH US!!!” I guess I wouldn’t mind café work, but Target is standing up in air conditioning and space, Café Pronto would be standing up in busy kitchen etc. and lame. I so don’t deal well with standing up for long periods of time, it makes me dizzy ^^;;; So yeah, hopefully Target, but I’ll apply at Café Pronto if Target rejects me.

There are a lot of little things in my head today, not all of them speakable right now. I feel like I’m lying to people by not talking, like they might feel I don’t trust them. I most certainly do, but all these things are still in raw-form, and I’m not ready to share.

I’m working through this whole confusing brain thing, but at the same time, I’m trying to help a couple of other people do the same thing. My mother always says ‘if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly’, and I hope I’ll be able to do things properly while doing them all together.

On a less pensive note, I got kick-ass sunglasses. ‘Fuck-off Sunnies’ per say? Hah hah.

“You know there’s an easier way.”

Yes, I do. I just wish I could find it.

[Perhaps some more late-night-tea-fuelled musings later in the evening… Perhaps.]

Aii... Days have passed, conversations have been had, and I feel a bit better.

I bought a new journal, and a pretty dress. I saw some friends who were sad, and saw some other friends get sad. I looked after my boy when he got sick, and felt needed, and realised that while I have him, and my friends, it will be okay.

Optimism is okay, but the unwavering optimism I've lived by previously is naive.

For the record: Reading "He's Just Not That Into You" will make you paranoid.

Weltschmerz.

World-pain. Sadness or depression at the state of, and unfairness of, the world, and humanity.

Optimism is a load of crap.

So is fate.

I've always said that there's someone perfect out there for everyone, and everything will be okay in the end, and fate will lead you to the right path.

If that's so, why did Daniel kill himself? It won't be okay for him, or his parents, or his friends. Why did Emily's dad have to die? It will never be okay for Emily or her family, and of all the people who could have been on that road, why someone who was so special to someone so amazing? Why is Nick so sad? And why do people think that killing themselves, or other people, will ever make anything better?

It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, and it's something we have to accept. I can also accept I've been naive. The world isn't all sunshine and smiles, and nor is my little bubble in it.






=(

Phwee...

Holidays is so close to being over =(

Yet I'm looking forward to getting back to school. Primarily because then I'll be that much closer to finishing. I know I'll regret wishing away my childhood etc., but I'm just so pleased with the direction things are taking...

Work is hectic and icky, and I've started getting messages at home from clients, which is weird. Another reason I want to get back to school being I don't have to work as much.

Hopefully I can take some time off next week and relax a little...

*le sigh*

But but but, I found my dream house. Slight problem being Tom's family lives in it already.

All will be good.

Pretty new room ^___^ Got camera working I suppose, and took lots of pictures =)







A post of substance my occur some time.. maybe ^^;;


Holidays is almost over! *cries*

Me: *expression of 'I love you and wish I could be with you now'*
Boy: =)
Boy: I love tuna.

*blush* Hee.

Cups of warm tea, the hum of my computer, semi-late-night serenity, post-bath-time warmth, and satisfaction at a relax-ed-ly productive day. A pretty good combination I'd say.

So, we moved house. Well, half of me did.

[And my mum just said "Ni-night my chicken sandwich" o_O We had chicken sandwiches for dinner...]

We moved into a townhouse in Swinger Hill (awesome name, eh?) with 3 flights of stairs, floral accentuations, and a completely flawlessly coordinated baby-pink and baby-blue colour scheme. But with our green antique couches and pretty-folkie top-of-bookshelf paraphenalia, the living room manages to look kind of 70s-group-house cute at night. If you call the back yard North and the front Courtyard South, the East and West interior walls are exposed dark brown bricks, which is kind of cool.

I'm trying to overcome the baby-pink-and-blue-with-rocking-horse-paper-freize-ness of my room with me-ness, and I think I'm making some progress... Main wall is well and truly poster'd, and looks awesome. Window-sill is covered in candles, plus little ornaments like blue glass bottle with drying red rose in it. However today I lit a bunch of candles, and they dripped wax all over the wood and I hope my mum doesn't see... But now I put them in this super pretty metal dish/basket-y type thing, which looks very pretty ^_^ If only my room had more surfaces on which to put objects larger than a mug. My room consists of: Bed (this is a pretty major affair, while physically only queen sized, it is dark and invasive-looking, and too awkward to fit comfortably in my little room and still have any accesible space for other things.), little matching bedside chest-of-drawers, built-in-wardrobe. That is all that will fit. I think encompass appropriate amount of candles, I shall need to get one of those big candle holder pretty things you hand on the wall and put tealights in. (I have some cute warm-coloured candles which are the size of a tealight at the bottom, but taller, and even though they'll burn out quickly, they're $2.95 for 12 at Coscut.) Thankfully, room also has ceiling hooks, from which I shall hang mosquito net =) This causes me to be quite delighted. And almost makes me want to keep my room clean. Almost. I really don't feel like sleeping tonight, so I think I shall get the whole putting-away-all-my-clothes thing over and done with. Slight problem in that I have many more clothes than hangers and hanging-space, and no-where to store clothes but hanging. I am thinking I would almost settle for a single bed if it meant I could have storage space ^^;;; Though if I put the second matching bedside thinger at the end of my bed, I can put my art stuff in it, which means I can use the shelf at the top of my wardrobe.

Anyway, all that logical stuff doesn't *really* matter. I have pretty candles and a pretty wall and somewhere to hang my mosquito net and if it's sunny tomorrow I'll wash lots of clothes and maybe go fly my kite on the oval with boy.

Hmm, and then there's that whole New Year thing. It pleases me. And I'm very optimistic. About school, about life after school, about friends, about boy. I read a little quote, and it kind of sums up my primary perspective on the progression of things. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
It kind of helps me to see that the little things help. I know everything will be alright, and that I can acheive what I want to if I put my mind to it. And I know that getting there will be very enjoyable if I make an effort to make things nice. I want to plant sunflowers along my back fence in nice big terracotta pots. I want to keep adding to wall, cover my door, my cupboards, my ceiling. I want to get my (awesome bright yellow totally retro cool) bike fixed up soon and put a basket on the back and put picnics in it and my kite and find nice little places to just be and live and smile. I want to walk lots while it's still warm so I can continue to feel good about myself; I've never had self-esteem as high as I do now. I want to catch up with old friends who I've neglected. I want to catch up with new friends who I don't really get a chance to chat to. I want to stop spending my money on crap and spend on things which I want and need and which will make me happy in the long run; instead of silly string and food I don't want, a new camera, art supplies, trips to Sydney, Summer Puddin' tea at Essen. I want to make more of my friends phone-friends; I miss long phone conversations with girlfriends. I want to buy more fresh fruit. I want to get a nice teapot. I want to stop filling my body with stuff it doesn't like, like junkfood and alcohol etc., maybe I'll actually learn to cook some stuff, and eat properly instead of buying junk or not eating. I want to actually do the things I say I will. I want to go to all my classes, do my work on time, and not disappoint my teachers, and prove to my mother that I can do it. I want to spend some time at my dad's and paint my room, just chilling to my music and seeing where it takes my mind, and what I can create; I've always wanted a silhouette of a fairy blowing bubbles on my wall. I want to write more and more and keep thinking like this and letting my imagination go.

Near my house is a nice little playground with swings and a little thing I can sit on. It's good that being so close to neighbours etc. I'll still be able to get away a little.. I think it'll be a nice place to write..

Anyways, I hope I've sated Lani, and I know I've sated myself a little. So I think it's time to go and sort through mountains of clothes ^^;;

Goodnight, sleep tight. 2006 was so amazingly transitive, and in 2007 I'll see where those changes will take me.