I've become one of those people who steals stationary from work! But I tells you, I does, the brightly coloured paperclips *wanted* me to take them...

Now I am saddened.. Chili Peppers tix sold out in like 5 minutes and Justaan couldn't get onto the site. He'll try again tomorrow. There may still be hope.

I've decided a camera will be vital for the Dolls... surely one cannot partake in a Lani adventure without a camera, nyah?

Love love love love love!!!!!

So, Hello Kitty guitar is on hold.. and by that I mean purchase of it is postponed, not I've got it waiting for my layby style...
But I assure you, there is a very good reason!

I'm going to the Dresden Dolls! And the Chili Peppers! Omg yay! ^_______^

Digital camera is also on hold I suppose, but I would like to purchase it before the shows so I can take pic-tures...

*dies*

Dolls is with the lovely Lani (and I'm oh-so-flattered she invited me because she's damn cool ^_^) and Peppers is with my internets friend, Justaan (who very kindly purchased my ticket and I'm paying him back next April when we actually go...)!

I also just emailed the Greens volunteer register, so maybe you'll see my nagging Suits in Civic about saving the rainforest sometime =)

Oh, and I officially failed both my English In-Class Essays. Especially European Classics. I walked out of that class and burst into tears. I had to go outside for some air and a glass of water halfway through because I thought I was going to by sick.. that's how bad it was. But now, I'm past stressing and crying. I've progressed to numbness. Because everyone knows, numb is the new deep.

Much love,

Rosie

News this week:

1. I'm totally failing every single subject. Fuck fuck fuck.
2. I embarrassed myself entirely on Sunday. Note to self: too much goon is no excuse for taking one's shirt off in front of a hundred off people...
3. I'm involved in an epic battle of good versus evil, a.k.a, Courtenay v. Javo!
4. I had Chinese for dinner. It was delicious.
5. I started my SNAP, yay.
6. School ends tomorrow, holidays soon, and the boyfriend's mum is away for 7 weeks. Triple yay =)
7. *whispers* if I have a baby I'm fucked, nyah?

Oh deary me. I think Javo just emoticon-shot me...

:loves and hates:

Guh, making mix tapes is so hard! You have to get the right genres together.. and the best examples of each artist.. and then you have to make sure the mood of the whole thing flows.. and then you have to make it all fit on the one CD!!!

It's Dunja's birthday on Monday, and I said I'd burn the Spice Girls for her, but I decided I need to give her something a little more 'me' as well. So I've been slaving away for the past hour trying to cut down my 'Bouncy Fun' album, next I have the 'Honest Vulnerability' album to do.. even harder!

As well as it being difficult I keep getting distracted ----- whoa, crazy deja vu ----- by the awesomeness of the music!

:listens to Do What You Want by Ok! Go:

Also, Ben is evil. He is going down. I will have my sweet (wet) revenge.

"I've never felt this way before" - Ok! Go, 'C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips'

I'm still in a weird euphoric cheerfulness. Does this mean I was sad before? I didn't feel as happy as I have lately, but I didn't feel particularly sad. Maybe it's like a man who's born blind doesn't miss sight. Or maybe I'm being emo and psuedo-deep and I'm just in a particularly perpetual good mood.

Speaking of perpetuality, I miss Athletics Carnivals. (Gosh, I miss lots of things, don't I?) They were so fun. 'Perpetual lunchtime' we called it. Lying the warm sun, talking, playing cards, eating sausages and lollypops, and drinking coke. The sky is brightest blue, the grass most vibrant green, and the air smells like blossoms.

I borrowed a book today. I shouldn't have, I should be reading 'Candide' and 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles', but I'm lending it to my dad before I read it, so I'm forgiven, right? Anyway, it's 'How to Have a Beautiful Mind' by Edward de Bono. As well as being interested in his ideas, he presents them in such an accessible way, it's just lovely to read. He really does have a beautiful mind.

Link for the day: http://www.edwdebono.com/debono/gamesi.htm
Edward de Bono games! Enjoy! Expand your mind!

Man parents suck.

Especially about clothes.

"If you turned up to my office like that I'd sent you home. Is that what you want? Are you trying to get fired?"

No, father, it's just a goddamn skirt. Get over it. My school has no dress restrictions, and I can sit down. So go away.

:listens to Velvet Rabbit by Kimya Dawson:

I want this woman to have my babies. In part because she looks so intensely fertile when pregnant. She named her baby 'Panda'. How roxing is that? I say quite.

People said so many funny things in the past couple of days...

"Did you just say 'a meat blend blend of citrus'?" - Melissa

"(When seeing Rowan with his beard shaved off) I was like 'there's something different about Rowan, did he shower?'" - Melissa

"I think if Voltaire was alive today, he'd be emo!" - James

"I think the closest thing I have to a local Jedi Master is that guy from Play School.." - Jordan

Brendan: Evan's feces is malignant
Lex: That means it attacks!

Telopea PE Teacher: You shouldn't be wearing (big dangly glitzy crosses) like that (in PE)!
Student: But Miss! It's religious-bling!

Funny funny...

"Rock and Roll is fun but if you ever hear someone say 'You are huge', look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun. I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye." - Kimya Dawson, I Like Giants

http://www.trevorvanmeter.com/flyguy/flyGuy.swf

"We won't stop until somebody calls the cops, and even then we'll start and just pretend that nothing ever happened." - Kimya Dawson, 'Loose Lips'

Now replace 'calls the cops' with 'a teacher comes'. High school anyone? Sitting in the DT corridor, making a noise and mess, teacher comes and tells us to go elsewhere so we start packing up, teacher leaves, we sit back down. =)

If you hadn't noticed, I'm a little Kimya Dawson addicted. She's lovely. Honest and brutal and touching.

:listens to The Beer by Kimya Dawson:

Link for today: www.kimyadawson.com

"C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips and candy-kisses on my tongue -- fun!"

I'm still euphoric, and I think it's endangering my health! I walked into so many people today, and forgot my change at the cantoon, and tipped stopbath down the drain instead of back into the bottle when I was processing film...

'At this point I become overly amused and in danger of injuring myself.'

So, I've decided to turn my sister (13, short and skinny runt, likes crap music and wears a fat-cover belt from Supre) into a miniature punk-rocker! Next week I'm taking her to see I Killed the Prom Queen. Brad reckons she's likely to die =
One problem with seeing IKtPM is it's on a Sunday night, and I have a maths exam at 9.00 am the next morning! Which sux, but it'll be worth it to see my sister so frightened...

I wanted to see Holden this afternoon, I was missing him, but he wasn't answering his phone, so instead, I had a nice chat with Hugo and Dom, and then went to Jordan's for a bit. He was at home sick today. I drank rasberry and lemon tea, and we talked about all sorts of things. Like Hello Kitty guitars, newly finished novels, Macbeth, and the Minotaur but with computers. It was nice to catch up, just the two of us kind of thing. Just in that whenever there's a crowd of us I don't really get to speak to him much. So that was nice, though I do wish I could have seen Holden.

"I like giants. Especially girl-giants." - Kimya Dawson, 'I like giants'

:listens to 'El Morro' by Calexico:

:yawn:

After being so euphorically happy since the wee hours of Friday/Saturday, going to school in an hour and a half seems so very wrong!

Especially after having slept so deliciously well last night.

I've directed Alexis to the musical cuteness of Smoosh and I hope she likes them. I forgot to suggest 'Not Your Day To Shine', I hope she gets it anyway...

Blegh. School is dirty and horrid... Thankfull, in less than two weeks, no more classes! For two weeks, then two weeks of classes, and another two weeks off! And then only six weeks of classes (& test week) before... I. Have. Finished. Year. Eleven.

That is very wrong and scary. I only have 10 weeks of year eleven classes left. Help me. I'm failing too... And if next year goes even half as quickly as this one has, I'm almost finished my compulsory education... Fuck. Perhaps I should start thinking about what I *actually* want to do...

Nah...

:listens to 'Go Go Mummy' by Zombie Ghost Train:

Zombie Ghost Train kicked it good =) As did the Dislexics.

ZGT I feel are best described as Elvis-gone-punk-rock. 'Twas pretty cool.

And we met this super cool guy, Ryan, with whom we ate weird cheap asian jelly and $1 Pocky and way-too-hot nachos.

http://www.zombieghosttrain.com

Check 'em.

In other news, the weather is unseasonably chilly, and I feel an intense desire to wear brightly coloured fishnet stockings.

My bed is cozy and rustic. With a blue tartan blanket, enveloping the lumpy mass of doonas, showing every year it's been loved in the form of little blue fluff balls, which stick to my cat.

It is warm and comforting and blocks out the outside world. Nothing but my own thoughts can reach me.

Oh, and the piercing sound of my alarm.

This morning, instead of an alarm, the tranquil silence of a Sunday sleep in was broken, like a stray steam train running through a wedding, by the voice of my sister, home from a sleepover.

:shiver:

I've said it before, but I'll say it again, she must be stopped.

If I wanted to, tomorrow I could go and buy a (completely crap) Squire guitar with Hello Kitty on it.


It's oh-so-tempting. But instead, I will put away $50 to pay Josh for the external hard drive which, following my new computer set up, I don't need at all. Perhaps I should explain this to him and try to get out of buying it =\ I really could use the money better. Like for my Kitty gui-tarrr, or a digital camera (which I *need* more and more every day). He won't be happy =
But.. kitty.. guitar.. *puppy dog eyes*? And she comes in black too, and is only $150!!!

I think I've found my calling, and it comes in the form of buying that guitar and just looking cute with it.

:listens to 'Our Love' by Donavon Frankenreiter:

And I forgot I was going to give links with every entry, so here's one for today. Inkeeping with my tshirt theme. http://www.demockratees.com/bushthumbs.htm Buy it for me!

Everyone always encourages 'being yourself'. Am I?

I like who I am, most of the time, though I find myself feeling quite indefinable most of the time. But sometimes I wonder, am I being myself? I don't always do exactly what I want. I'm led by other people. But is that being untrue to myself, or just being conscious that my actions have consequences?

I'm 'shy' in theory. But I'm really quite outgoing. I've changed so much over the past few years. Do I really know where 'I' begin and where people's interpretations of 'me' end?

Am I trying to be deep over something cliched and not that deep? That's a question I *can* answer.

Still listening to 'Our Love' on repeat. It makes me so so happy. I should sleep, but I'm just too euphorically happy.

I spoke to my (drunk) boyfriend (and his drunk friends) and drank tea from a cute white plastic mug with dine-ee-saurs on it and stood in the dirt in my sox looking up at the stars and drowned in the serenading of Donavon Frankenreiter. And I'm happy again.

I described 'Our Love' (by Donavon) to a friend as "a night on the beach with a bonfire and watching shooting stars and playing stupid games in the dark running around until you fall over and then running into the water and screaming because it's so cold, and then taking off clothes and trying to throw them to shore and then they float away and are lost forever but you're too hysterical to care..." and then you wrap yourself up in towels and sit by the fire until it gets too cold and then it's time for slipping into sleeping bags with lovers or friends and feeling newly warmed skin against yours.

Emotional rollercoaster. It's what being 17 and not entirely sane is all about. And I'd like to think I do it with class.

:listens to 'Differently the Same' - Donavon Frankenreiter:

On a vastly lighter note, I've discovered the wonderfulness of Josh Pyke, and I found my old favourite song, turns out it's by a guy called Donovan Frankenreiter.

The moon comes up and the moon goes down
Another sleepless night, another sleepless town
But I got you, I got you
Whenever I think about what I lost
I change my mind instead to what I still got
Cause I got you, I said I got you

You can call me papa
And I'll call you baby
Don't forget your mama's my, baby too
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be there, I'll be there for you

Soon enough you know, I'll be around
But that ain't soon enough cause that ain't right now
And I need you, I said I got you
When you close your eyes and you drift to sleep
From time to time I hope you run into me
I'm thinking of you, I hope you see me too

You can call me papa
And I'll call you baby
Don't forget your mama's my-- baby, too
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be there, I'll be there for you
You know I will now

You can call me papa
And I'll call you baby
Don't forget your mama's my-- baby, too
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be there, I'll be there for you
You know i'll be there, I said I'll be there.

I've realised what I miss most... It's just my life in general. My life now only vaguely resembles what it should. I miss:

• 4 or 5 of us in one double bed
• Sacrificing vegetable witches
• Drawing on jeans with textas,
• Watching Buffy
  
• Sitting on Melissa's kitchen floor
• The Silent Game
• 6 hour phone conversations
• Symbiosis
• Being part of one another's families
• Dressing up
• Hot Doolar
• Stupidbarn pic-a-nics
• Swimming in the fountain
• Going to the lake
• Planning our lives with each other deeply involved

I said I miss Ana, but I miss the people I see everyday, Melissa, Ally, and especially Alexis. She's my bestest best friend and I don't love her enough.



Ani DiFranco really is lovely...

:listens to Pale Purple - Ani DiFranco:

"It's not suppose to hurt this way/I need you I need you/More each day" - Avril Lavigne, 'Why'

I miss Ana... This is wrong, but she won't be persuaded, I'm sure of it.

And maybe I deserve it. Did I neglect her? She says she doesn't trust me. That everything I do is 'a desperate plea for attention', that I've said or implied things about people which are untrue. She says everything with me is drama, and she doesn't need that.

I know I should drop it and just leave her alone. But I really do miss her. Maybe I'm just overemotional, she hasn't exactly been the nicest to me for the past few months (and who'd blame her) and still I'm crying just from typing 'I miss Ana'.

Crying into my tea, and I don't want to cause drama. I want my friend back, so I can try and look after her, even if she doesn't want it...

(Their) Tentacle Romance rocked it today =)

So, I went to 'band practise' and it was really quite cool. Turns out the boys can actually play for the most part! I played some guitar, and bass, and sang a little, which was fun. If I had the confidence (let alone the talent beyond my extremely limited range..) to get up on stage, I'd be a little more willing to sing with them. As it is, if they do want me, which I doubt, it'll take a little persuading.

I feel kind of bad. I ditched Kent's play (to which I was going alone, lame boyfriend not taking me to parties) to eat BBQ chicken with my dad... But I was too tired and cold and running late... So I'm sure he'll forgive me. Would have liked to see it though.

When I thought I might be pregnant, I decided that non-existent-and-would-never-have-been-born-anyway baby's name was Hazel. Once Hazel really exists, my next daughter shall be called Gloria. And one of them will have Delilah for a middle name. My boys will be James and William, I've never doubted that. It's the daughter's whom I'm sure I'll have and am dying to meet that I have trouble naming...

"It's got to be perfect"

I'm sure it will be one day, but what's the point in living after that? I have on occassion, moments of intense love for the world, but it's not really perfect, just very very very good.

So, my sister has decided to ruin Bebo for me by commenting on all my photos. Today I have received over 20 emails "You have a new comment from Katey!"... :shiver: She must be stopped. Her comments are completely inconsequential observations on things I already know, or don't care about. Par example, on a photo of our old dog, Doug, she wrote something along the lines of 'oMg itz DoUg!!!!11!!!1!' and a little piece of me died.

Most pathetic thing ever:
For a moment just then, I questioned the validity and potential of my relationship with my boyfriend because I can't picture him 30-something, mowing the back lawn or painting the fence, while I sit in a rocking chair on the shady porch, breast-feeding Gloria, watching James and Will play soccer, trying not to hit Hazel while she plays with her dolls on the stairs.

I give such things far too much thought. I wish you could see into my mind for a moment. I know the entire layout of my house and the decour(sp?) of every room... I even know what's in most of the drawers.

"And on the bus today, I met the Queen of L.A., at least she said she was, and who am I to say? She was sixty-five and full of life. She had purple painted cheeks and glitter on her eyes." - Concrete Blonde, 'Still Living in Hollywood'

I had a reason to open Myspace, and now there's no way in the world I can possibly recall why I did...

I wish I had time to drown in my music a little more. I have nothing to do until tomorrow night, so I can sleep in, perhaps tonight I'll take the time to appreciate my music. What I often do, is download heaps and heaps of music, and then just play it, in the background. So I don't pay attention, and I don't know the names of any songs, and I'm not sure of the artists for many...

I'll probably blog again in the wee hours of the morning, about how unloved I am tonight, and how much my music is my one true love. Though we know my one true love is actually the retarded guy who cleans the windows at Starbucks in Manuka. His name is Beau, and he's beau-tiful. We're meant to be =P

:yawns, cries a little, spazzes out, fizzles and dies:

Much love,

Rosie.

Before I start this in a normal way, I just experienced something I'd never experienced before. And that is something which is always bloggable.

I went into the kitchen, with visions of a cup of tea. I switched on the light, it flashed on, then blew, and I *heard* it! It sounded like.. for lack of a less lame simile, a waterfall breaking. Imagine you were sitting by a waterfall. And you were just so so at peace that you froze time. And then your waterfall broke. It would sound like this. My tea now tastes slightly of Pepsi because having been plunged into darkness I was too lazy to rinse my cup properly, and had previously been drinking Pepsi.

So, proper introduction. I'm blogging again... but hopefully this time it will be less whining about my lame teen dream life, and more just a record of my thoughts. I was inspired by Lani (http://lifeisabmovie.blogspot.com/) I suppose. She's very thoughtful, and she expresses it far more beautifully than I ever could. Lynette (my English teacher) says I'm very intelligent etc. but have trouble expressing my weird thought patterns to other people. She hopes I'm like Virginia Woolf... I hope so too.

Reading Lani's blog also made me want to listen to Iron and Wine, and drink tea. So I'm doing both. It would appear she has quite an effect on me, no?

Anyway, I also need a camera. Digital. Desperately. But work is sucky and potentially soon to be terminated, and I have many things to buy. Like an external hard-drive (which if I lose my job, I don't really need, and to be honest I don't really need anyway) which I must buy because Josh bought it on the condition I would buy it off him. And I need to sell my Chucks to Emily and buy new ones. And I need to buy credit by Tuesday or I lose my service! And I'll have to pay my dad back for the $30 he's lending me this weekend. And to top it all off? I was meant to be paid around Tuesday/Wednesday, and I haven't been yet. =( I cry. There's just not enough time in my life for me to work enough to get all the money I need... Especially not if I want to pass year 11. Let alone year 12.

Speaking of failing. I'm concerned. I have much much much artwork to produce by like.. Monday. I have done little to none of it. I'm meant to have obviously 6 weeks of work done at the end of this six weeks. And I've done nothing. And I know I have no one to blame but myself. And I think I'm going to V-Grade. And I keep starting sentences with 'and' which I know is very naughty.

"She just might see your soul"

But probably not...

You know who's another great blogger? Melissa. She should blog more often, she doesn't do it nearly enough anymore. (http://miss-midge.blogdrive.com/) Checkit, she's another talented thought writer-downer-er.

Danny asked me the other day (in a fairly substantial letter of his own) how I write so much 'so easily' when I write him letters. I couldn't answer him then, but I think I understand it more now. It's because I like to think in polished internal monologues! It's the only way I can stay on top of things. To clarify my thoughts. They might not seem clarified when I write them to you, but if you were to compare them to when they're unclarified... =\ Scary stuff... Sometimes I think that I think too much. And then I realise that really, I don't think nearly enough. I waste so much breath (and.. bandwidth?) talking about nothing. Complaining about things not worth complaining about. I have it really pretty good. Obviously there are going to be issues, that's a given when you're human, and especially teenaged, but I don't think enough about nice things. Like how very very much I love my friends (even those who are no longer speaking to me - I still want her to cheer up and come back to school and be nice again) and how much I *need* to see them. This holidays I plan to spend many consecutive (sp?) nights away from home just enjoying their company, and exploiting their hospitality, and laughing. (Laughing in a nice way, as in with them because they're funny and awesome and lovely, not laughing because I'm exploiting their hospitality...)

The other day I found a letter from Alexis. It was so so lovely. She said she was absolutely overcome with good feelings, like if she didn't find some way to express her affection she might explode. I had no idea what she meant then, but now I do. Have you ever had one of those moments? Where you just realise how much you love someone and how important they are to you and what a beautiful person they are and how much you never ever ever want them to go away because the world would just be so much darker? No? That's unfortunate... Try it sometime. It's good and bad. Good because it's lovely feeling that way about someone. Bad because there's just no extent of affection giving which will diminish the 'splody feeling.

The Sundays are just lovely. I'm immersed in music lately... In the past 11 days I've downloaded 452 new songs... and I've been away from my computer for 7 of those days! Some of it's rocky, some of it's punky, some of it's floaty-pretty-kill-me-now-I-want-to-be-Shakespearean-and-French-soft-gorgeous-linen-
dresses-and-silk-scarves-on-floorboards-beside-wrought-iron-bed-frames-under-open-windows-with-white-curtains-blowing-in-the-wind music... Noes! My iTunes! It's angry! It refuses to play my beautiful music =( I think I tired it out...

My tea has all been drunk, like Janine and the Baltic Sea, and my music ceases to stimulate my jelly-brain. It's only 12.25 but it's quiet like it's 4 am. I really don't want to go to French in the morning, for fear of seeing my boss, but my dad says I have to face up to things. I say no. It's strange for me to argue, or even disagree, with my father. So does this mean I must be wrong about avoiding French and my boss? Or does it mean he's wrong? I'm ever so confused. I think it's time for tea, and hoping my iTunes will love me again. I may have to resort to Windows Media Player *shiver*.

My teaspoon is unbelievably shiny. All the other teaspoons when beside it in the drawer look dull and lifeless. Why do people sing the praises of sporks etc. when the fragrant simplicity of a shiny teaspoon is there, begging to be noticed and appreciated. Whoever invented spoons was super cool. I like spoons much in the same way I like bubbles, circles, the letters O, P, M, and B, and the number 3. They're smooth (like butta?) and lovely.

So, I keep bitching about my lack of social life nyah? And being annoyed that Danny doesn't invite me to parties, despite the fact that I don't ask, and he's a boy, so I shouldn't expect him to just do it. And I keep being annoyed that all my friends are doing homework. But during this time, of bitching and time wasting, what am *I* doing? Bitching and time wasting, I should be doing homework too! It's a vicious cycle I think. Teachers give me homework and expect me to do it, cyclicly, and viciously.

I have a pounding headache, and time is going super fast, then super slow, and super slow some more. I've all of a sudden remembered how much I need a camera, in order to take myspacey photos of myself. I took the lenses out of my emo glasses, and now intend to paint one lens red and put it back in the glasses when I'm feeling super emo (and like I don't need the depth perception which comes of seeing out of two eyes...). I should probably sleep, seeing as I intend to have a rather large day tomorrow, but it just doesn't look like happening. One would think that being given an outlet to process my thoughts, and pretend like someone's listening to them, would make it easier to be calm and sedated and have less thoughts. That I might be able to rest easier having released all that inner-hubbub. But it really doesn't work like that. I just keep thinking of new things to tell the world, and to think about it, and obsess over.

And I really should stop filling the internet with my crap. But hopefully with time it will become less crap, and more.. philosophical? Doubtful. But less crapful anyway.

So for now, I leave you with a malinkalink, as I shall endeavour to do with every entry. And today, it is a wonderful shirt. Combining revolutionary-ism with DDR. http://buzz-wear.com/ddr.php Go there, buy the shirt, then give it to me!

Much love and feelings of broken waterfalls and missing of my lovely friends,

Rosie