Househunting Blues

Okay. So maybe now I am stressed.

It's been months since I've really been worried, or stressed, or upset about anything really, but this moving business is getting me down.

It's like this, right? Millzy and Noriko got a house. Sim is going to move in with them. Their house is awesome and I'm heaps jealous. But sadly this leaves us with no Sim, and thus we have to get a stranger in the room quick smart if we're ever going to pay all the overdue rent we'll need to come up with to actually move out. It also makes things that little bit harder working out who we will live with.

The rest of us kind of want to live together, and kind of want to live alone.

Dave wants to live with Phil, I think ideally he wants all of us to just stick together like we are now, but he's also not too keen on living with the dog, and I doubt he really wants to live with Richard and I as a couple.

Phil would love to live with Dave, but Chloe (the dog) comes first. He's happy to live by himself, but he doesn't want to fuck over Dave if Dave really wants to live with him. He'd like to live with us, but then the dog comes back into it.

Richard seems to not quite know what he wants. He doesn't want to live with Phil because he doesn't want to live with the dog. He doesn't want to live with just me because it would be too much like we were married. I don't know how he feels about living with just Dave. And he wants his own space because he's only had a room totally to himself for about 6 months of his life. He's even been talking about moving back to Canberra for a while, and then moving to Melbourne. But every time it comes up, and we talk about it a little bit, and I say "I thought that we were thinking about living in different houses, not different cities. I don't want to live in different cities." he says he knows, and it's okay, he's not going anywhere, but I just don't know.

I love him so much. He's so smart, and he's kind of introverted. He spends a lot of time in his head. I know he wants experiences. I don't know how one defines 'experiences', but I know what he means. No matter how much he reassures me it's not going to happen, I always have this fear, when he's being pensive, that one day I'll come home and he'll be gone, off to explore the world or whatever. It scares the living shit out of me and I think about it every day now. I want him to be happy, and I want him to be able to do his own thing. I don't want to tie him down. But I feel like he can't see a way to grow, to learn more about himself, to experience the world, he can't see a way to be his own person if we're joined at the hip. Everyone sees us a 2-for-1 deal, and I don't think he likes that. The 2-for-1 thing makes finding a house harder too. I want to be with him, every second of the day, but I'm so scared of stifling him. If he moved to a different city, I would drop everything and follow him, but that's not what he wants. If it was, he'd say it. He'd tell me how wonderful it would be, and how he wants to share it with me, that it wouldn't be the same without me. But he doesn't say that, and it's heartbreaking. (This paragraph is getting a little too personal. I'll leave it here.)

I just want a house. And I want to live with Richard, because I never ever want to wake up in the morning without him there because I love him, I love him like fucking crazy. I want a nice place, near the city. I want to get my shit sorted and live in a nice house and cook nice meals and enjoy inviting people over to my lovely house.

I would really like to live in this house:




If Richard, Dave and I got a place, and Phil moved out on his own with Chloe, we could live in this house.

But everyone has so many damn requirements that there is absolutely no way to make everybody happy, especially Richard.

I know he's stressing about it a lot too. He keeps saying he just needs more time to think about it, but I don't know what purpose it will really serve, because there's no way any of us can get everything we want. I can only assume that he's thinking about whether he wants to live on his own. If he did he could probably take over Noriko's old lease. It'd be just down the road from Sim's house, and super affordable, but he's not sure. If he did, Dave and I could still afford the beautiful house because it's walking distance from my work so I'd get paid to be on call sometimes.

Big clincher is, we've got 4 weeks or less to find something. We also then have to come up with bond, and keep paying rent until we move. Plus there's the whole finding a new housemate to replace Simeon thing.

Basically it's all a big fucking drama and I'm absolutely sick of it and it makes me want to cry.

I'm trying to take deep breaths. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm right. That everything will work itself out. That no matter what this problem brings us, we'll be okay and we'll still be happy, because we have each other and we're young and life is good. But today, that's a lot harder to believe than it usually is.